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We are not here to endorse a political candidate. However, 2016 is going to be a free for all in the Presidential arena. This election will not feature an incumbent for the office with a built in advantage. This is the same situation that occurred in 1980 (Reagan versus Carter), 1988 (George H.W. Bush versus Dukakis), 2000 (Bush versus Gore), and 2008 (McCain versus Obama). In short, the field is wide open. Hillary Clinton nearly took the Democratic nomination in 2008 (and was the presumptive candidate) before Obama’s run. That means that 2016 may be the year that a female candidate breaks through on the top of a major party ticket. This list focuses on the most intriguing possibilities for a female candidate to come through.
10. Roseanne Barr
With the California based Peace and Freedom Party, Barr actually finished sixth in the Presidential race this year with 48,000 votes nationally. Barr would have to run as a traditional Democrat to get traction. However, her platform of ending the Federal Reserve, legalization of marijuana, and marriage equality focuses on hot button issues that voters are starting to get behind. Barr could conceivably frame herself much like Ross Perot did in 1992. Properly packaged, Roseanne’s portrayal of a former housewife with straight talking common sense answers may be the refreshing tonic to greater political vistas in 2016.
9. Christine O’Donnell
In 2010, Christine O’Donnell took what some would call the extreme views of the American Tea Party as a Republican candidate and won forty percent of the vote in Delaware. What else did she do? She made her run into a national campaign. Granted, O’Donnell was parodied on Saturday Night Live for the famous ‘witch ad.’ However, can you say anything about the races in states such as New Hampshire or Vermont in 2010? Unless you live there, you probably can’t. O’Donnell combines sorority house good looks with a philosophy whose impact on the American landscape seems to have been greatly under-reported. The House of Representatives changed on the Tea Party message. The Republicans held on to it in 2012. If you take that package outside the traditionally liberal Mid Atlantic region, you would have a national candidate with more appeal that most in the media are willing to admit.
8. Linda McMahon
Linda McMahon is another example of a candidate who would do much better nationally than she did in her home state. Linda McMahon is a Republican who married into (and helped expand into a national phenomenon) World Wrestling Entertainment. She is a successful businesswoman. She also made inroads in a traditional blue state towards getting into national office… twice. If you give states such as Florida, Georgia, and Arkansas a chance to vote for Linda McMahon on Super Tuesday, then you have a real possibility of securing a Republican national ticket where a local one failed. After all, the same strategy worked well after a loss for Abraham Lincoln. If you put Linda McMahon in front of them, the solid south and west will listen to her.
7. Susan Rice
In politics, there is no such thing really as bad publicity. Rice, as the United States ambassador to the United Nations, is currently under fire for disclosure of information in relation to the attack on the Libyan Embassy. Rice is also a candidate to replace Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State. Given the nature of American politics and culture, Rice’s role will not be nearly as important in four years as how she held up against Republican attacks. If Rice manages to look strong and defiant in the face of adversity, that is an image that voters will pay attention to in 2016.
6. Michelle Bachmann
In 2012, Michelle Bachmann did two things. First, she lost to get the Presidential bid for the Republican Party. Second, the Representative for the House from the state of Minnesota also got her message across effectively on a national stage. Successful Republican nominees tend to have multiple runs. Romney set-up 2012 in 2008. John McCain set-up 2008 in 2000. Ronald Reagan threw his hat into the ring three times. Bachmann did nothing to hurt herself in 2012. By 2016, the Midwestern wife, mother, and politician might just be the progressive choice the Republican party is willing to put on the top of their ticket. If anything, the campaign that just passed had Bachmann peaking too early.
5. Sarah Palin
After being branded ‘Caribou Barbie’ and lampooned by Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live, many would think that Palin is essentially done on a national stage. However, Palin rather wisely did not run in 2012. Palin did not want a re-hashing of the losing effort in 2008. However, there is precedence for Palin’s eventual success that comes from an unlikely source. Bill Clinton lost an election in Arkansas. Clinton also had a nominating speech which many thought would doom him on a national stage. Clinton also suffered an embarrassing family scandal many thought would end his 1992 candidacy. Saturday Night Live parodies successful candidates. Palin has managed to keep herself relevant in the public eye. Palin also has not been tarnished by a loss on the top of the ticket. By 2016, eight years in the national eye could once again position Palin as a potent force in Republican politics.
4. Elizabeth Dole
When Bob Dole failed to give his official support to his own wife’s Presidential campaign, Dole might have honestly wondered what he was doing with boxes of Viagra sitting around. He certainly would not be using them for anything useful in the near future. Since 2000, Dole served successfully as a United States Senator and has been politically active for decades. If she had won re-election in 2008, she would have served through 2014. Age might be a factor in a Dole run in 2016. Dole will be 80 at the time. However like Reagan, Dole would be sensitive to the concerns of the voter on age. She would not make an issue of any potential opponent’s “youth and inexperience.”
3. Condoleezza Rice
If anything, former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice’s profile has risen since her time in the G. W. Bush White House. Rice has consistently demurred whenever asked about a run for the nation’s highest office. Rice’s potential run would probably be analogous to the run of Barry Goldwater in 1964. Goldwater had been fairly consistent in not wanting to run for the Presidency. However, the cry came out essentially to “draft the son of a b—-.” Goldwater finally acquiesced and was ultimately unsuccessful. Rice represents the Republican parties’ best bet to cross cultural, philosophical, as well as gender barriers. In order for the Republican Party to effectively move forward, Rice would be an ideal candidate to present a fresh young as well as diverse image.
2. Hillary Clinton
Hillary Clinton once described her negative appeal as having to do with people associating her with “their mother-in-law.” Despite this, Clinton was the leading as well as favorite candidate to win in 2008 before Barack Obama made his rock star run to the Presidency. Since then, the former United States Senator and First Lady has only padded her resume by adding Secretary of State. Clinton has stated that she will not be continuing in that post. Clinton also went through a lengthy period of introspection before running for the Senate as well as ultimately the Presidency. Without another compelling once in a lifetime run, Clinton would again emerge as the odds on favorite for the nomination. In the past 16 years at that point, Clinton would have well moved past First Lady to establish a legitimate resume on her own. Never say never in politics or in the search for a college football head coach.
1. Michelle Obama
Before you dismiss this one completely, you might want to look up the name Lurleen Wallace. Lurleen was the wife of polarizing Governor George Wallace in the deep segregated southern state of Alabama in 1960s. Regardless of people’s understanding the Lurleen was Governor-by-proxy, she still beat two former Governors in the Democratic primary for the state. Alabamians are now proud to have elected a female governor in the 1960s. If Obama was to run, we have a feeling that she would not simply allow her husband to do the job regardless of what supporters might think when they vote for her. Obama would be an attractive candidate not only based on her own achievements but also if the voter electorate wants to maintain a relative continuity on the Obama administration policies. Can you imagine an Obama/Clinton round two in the 2016 Democratic national primaries?
Whether it’s a new take on an established story, or just updating a classic for a different audience, we can all accept that there are going to be differences between an original work and an adaptation. But here are ten anime that so distorts the original, and so completely misses the point, that it barely resembles the original, if at all. Oh, and also:
10. Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
There are actually two anime based on Huck’s adventure’s: Huckleberry no Bouken and Huckleberry Finn Monogatari.
The second one can be translated (loosely) to “Huckleberry Finn’s Story” or “The Epic of Huckleberry Finn.” That sounds like it would stick pretty close to the original, right? Sure, if by “original” we mean “be about Tom Sawyer,” then totally. While the first one tried to be faithful, Monogatari focused more on Tom Sawyer’s adventures than Huck Finn’s. Even then, things were dumbed down; Huck’s river travels were drastically shorted, and a lot less dangerous. That completely devalued the important comments on racism and industrialization that Twain made in his novel.
9. Wolverine
Wolvie’s anime decided to merge several comic arcs to make a “new” story. Wolverine finds out his Japanese girlfriend is alive and goes after her. His main antagonists are the girl’s father, Shingen, and her betrothed, Hideki, both of whom are human. Despite the presence of Omega Red, and some superpowered original characters, the final battle was between Wolverine and a fat human samurai who, for whatever reason, spent most of the time kicking Wolverine’s ass.
And that was the inherent problem; Wolverine was not Wolverine. Instead of a gritty, gruff, angry adult, we got a 20-year-old with a mullet. A mullet (which is somehow better than the anime’s original character design for him: a muscle-less guy with long hair.) Rather than deviate from their usual pretty-boy protagonist, the anime changed Wolvie from short and stocky, to tall and lean.
And that’s just his appearance. The character himself was emotional and whiny, the anime itself dragged on and on and, despite everyone talking about what a badass Logan was, nobody was even remotely scared or intimidated by him. Sadly, this made tons of sense, since he lost to wimps several times. Only watch it if you want to hear Wolverine shout “Mariko!” nine hundred times over the space of twelve episodes.
8. Little Women
How do you make a well-known, established story more serious? Well, the original Little Women began with the four March girls sitting in their living room, bemoaning their new poverty and discussing Christmas presents. Their father is a chaplain for the Union in the Civil War, and is away for much of the story. The March girls have various adventures, and each of their characters develop in the ensuing years, growing from girls into women.
Ai no Wakakusa Monogatari opens with a Confederate attack on the March family’s hometown. Mr. March is a Union officer and leaves to rejoin the Army, while his family suffers Confederate occupancy. Adventures include fighting the Army, helping an escaped slave, having their home destroyed, and moving in with hateful new characters that don’t want them there.
That’s how you make it more serious.
7. Starship Troopers
This one is a little tricky, because the infamously so-bad-it’s-good movie was vastly different from the book. The novel was serious and focused on themes of politics and the military in general. The movie was about shooting bugs, seeing boobs, and having the audience inadvertently cheer for Nazis.
The anime, entitled Uchu no Senshi took a different direction than either. It saw very little action, focused on a major romance subplot and, instead of alien “bugs,” we got squids who shot laser beams from their mouths.
6. Peter Pan
Quick: how do you twist a children’s story enough to make it really creepy? It’s easy; you make it completely adult themed.
Rather than having Peter Pan see Wendy in a motherly role, the anime added a romantic subplot between them. There were ridiculous fight scenes, and Captain Hook was changed from a silly villain to a guy who tries so hard to actively murder the Lost Boys, that he borders on criminally insane rather than just paranoid-crazy. Thus we are beginning to understand Peter Pan no Bouken.
What, that doesn’t sound so bad? What if we told you Neverland was turned into a wasteland halfway through the series, because an old woman was bent on destroying it? Compound that with forcing Wendy to choose between killing a little girl, or being lost to darkness forever. Okay, it’s a little darker than other Peter Pan media, but it’s not like the anime kept things dark, right?
Well, the original had Peter promising to visit Wendy every spring. The anime ends with Wendy and her brothers returning to London and waiting for Peter, who never shows. Years later he meets her daughter, Jane, and steals her away to Neverland. There were probably a thousand ways to change the ending to be more positive than the original’s, and none of them were that one.
5. Moby Dick
Moby Dick is pretty famous. An extended allegory on the whaling industry, the story follows Ishmael and his adventures on board the Pequot, commanded by Captain Ahab.
Hakugei: Legend of the Moby Dick was made in the 90’s, and was more like a weird nightmare. Instead of the ocean, it was in space, and instead of whales, we had abandoned space ships. There’s no Ishmael, just a 14-year-old girl named Lucky. Even the Pequot was revamped, being dubbed the Lady Whisker.
The original featured a captain hell-bent on revenge, even at the cost of his own sanity and the lives of his crew. The anime had a robot and preteens. Rather than take place in the 1800′s, it’s the year 4699 and Ahab is trying to save an entire planet, instead of obsessively hunting a white whale. But the abandoned space ships they’re hunting are called whales and the captain’s name is Ahab, so that’s practically the same thing…right?
4. The Count of Monte Cristo
Set in the 1800′s, Edmond is unjustly imprisoned for being a supporter of Napoleon, all because another man wants to marry Edmond’s fiancé, and a work rival is jealous of Edmond’s sudden promotion. Stuck in a prison tower, Edmond befriends a fellow inmate, a priest trying to tunnel his way out. The priest educates Edmond, and reveals the location of a massive treasure before dying; Edmond uses the priest’s burial sack to escape. He makes allies, recovers the treasure, and returns to France to get his revenge. Using his new found wealth and education, he destroys the men responsible for his imprisonment, one by one, before marrying the daughter of an ally.
Got all that? Well, in the anime, it is the year 5053. Instead of a priest helping Edmond escape, it’s an evil demon. Who possesses him, and then makes him a space vampire. The city where everything took place is no longer in France, but on another planet. The entire anime is from the perspective of a different character rather than Edmond. At the end, rather than leaving to marry the daughter (who’s an alien now,) Edmund just straight-up dies.
Oh, and there are mecha. This isn’t sci-fi; it’s more like some weird fan fiction an eleven-year-old would write.
3. Dracula
During the 70′s, Marvel had a comic series about vampire hunters who fought Dracula. In 1980, Japan redid it, and not very well. How devoted to the original was it? Well, both the anime and the comic have a character named “Dracula.” That’s about it, really.
The anime begins with some hooded figures about to sacrifice a virgin to Satan, but Dracula intervenes. Not because he’s a good guy, but because he really likes her. That’s right, the Lord of Vampires is in love. They even have a child.
But Satan is pissed, man. Dracula stole his sacrifice! So Satan takes away Dracula’s vampire-ness, which he can suddenly do because the writer of a random 80′s anime knows more about the Devil than the guys who wrote the damn Bible. What followed is a rather infamous scene of Dracula, in full vampire lord regalia, pigging out on burgers since he suddenly needs to eat for survival.
Later ob, Dracula’s son is accidentally killed and God brings him back to life as a full-fledged man who fires lasers from his eyes. God never gave you laser eyes, did he? Probably because you didn’t pray hard enough.
2. Powerpuff Girls
Instead of three adorable eight-year-olds, Powerpuff Girls Z transformed them into vapid preteens.
The girls get their powers when Professor Utonium’s son uses a Chemical Z to destroy a city-threatening glacier (because Japan,) and the ensuing blast transforms many residents into supervillains, and three girls into heroes.
What else is new? Well, the girls have actual street names (in addition to their Powerpuffy names,) they aren’t sisters, they’re obsessed with boys and shopping, and they believe things like yo-yo’s work perfectly as weapons.
1. Romeo and Juliet
How do you take a classic story of two lovers from warring families and make it contemporary? If your answer was “floating island,” then you were correct. Romeo x Juliet was set on a floating island, where people traveled using dragon horses. Juliet is a superhero at night, and a master swordsman.
The plot is more than a little different. Instead of two warring families, the Capulets are all but dead, and the evil Montagues are ruling “Neo Verona.” There’s also a magical tree that is sick and, if it dies, the island will fall.
The lovers still die at the end, so that’s the same. That, and their names are unchanged. Shakespeare himself probably wouldn’t notice the difference.
- In: Top 10 List
A name that coincidentally describes what somebody does in the life is called an aptronym. So yes, this list is basically just making fun of people with weird, yet oddly suitable names. Hey, when you grow up with a name like Smallwood, sometimes you just need to turn those tables.
10. Christopher Michael Coke
Chris Coke or “Dudan” to his friends is a scary man. So scary, in fact, that the police couldn’t enter his domain without his consent. If you’re wondering why, then you clearly didn’t click that link. Lazy good for nothing. Also, it’s because Coke is a drug kingpin. Scary or no, it’s really hard to take a man seriously when his name literally describes what he sells. He’s like the Ronald McDonald of the drug world, if Ronald’s last name was Terminaldiabetes.
9. Nicholas Economides
Economides has a list of accolades longer than a giraffe’s genitals, all of which is rendered completely moot by the fact it’s impossible to read his biography without some kind of tongue enhancement surgery. The word economics is intertwined with Economides so many times, it makes you wonder if he became a economics experts purely to annoy people.
8. John Wisdom
With a fancy last name like Wisdom, it’s no surprise John’s parents gave him a no-nonsense, one-syllable name, to stop him from getting too full of himself. Then again, it probably didn’t go very well, since he grew up to be a philosopher of the mind. That’s a job title so fancy, I actually spent five minutes seeing if I could fashion a small top hat out of punctuation for it. I couldn’t.
7. Early Wynn
Early Wynn is one of the more famous people on this list, being a baseball Hall Of Famer and all. Wynn was no stranger to, well, winning. To get the full effect, imagine I said that last sentence while cocking my head and smiling like a tool. Wynn’s ability to kick metaphorical baseball-shaped asses should come as no surprise though, since he was notoriously terrifying, once claiming that he’d floor his own mother to win a game.
6. Anthony Weiner
I couldn’t leave this legend out. Even over here in Blighty, we had a slew of wiener/Weiner jokes, all so badly executed that North Korean prison guards blushed. Normally, I’d be above cracking wiener jokes on such a classy website, but may I remind you this list was written by a “Smallwood.” Karma is a cruel mistress.
5. Tod Slaughter
This isn’t exactly the name you’d expect for an actor. A heavy metal front man maybe, but an actor? Slaughter doesn’t anything to do with acting, unless you spent your life playing homicidal maniacs. Yes, Tod Slaughter was a man who spent his entire career portraying murderous psychopaths, most notoriously Sweeney Todd, the demon barber who slit people’s throats with a straight razor. So his name is a rare double aptronym: Johnny Depp ain’t got a thing on this guy.
4. Bob Rock
With a name like Robert Rock, you either need to become a porn star or a rocker; there are literally no other choices. Bob chose the latter, almost. He’s actually a hard rock producer, with more bands under his name than the Warped Tour poster.
3. Igor Judge
You know what job this man does already: he’s a judge. But judge is way too plain a title for a man with a name like Igor Freaking Judge (I refuse to believe that’s not his actual middle name.) His actual title used to be “Lord Chief Justice of England and Wales,” and he even held the title of “President of the Queen’s Bench Division,” which you’ll notice is probably the fanciest title one could have without the word “pimptastic” just being tacked right on. Keep on rocking Igor; the world needs more people like you.
2. Thomas Crapper
You’ve probably heard the story that Mr. Crapper invented the flush toilet, and his name was the reason to crap means to poop. The former is false, however, and the latter is contested. What Crapper actually did, was make the first truly high-quality crap receptacle, and he invented the ballcock. So if it wasn’t for punctuation, this entry would be 90% funny words. Pizazz. Fart. Poppycock. You’re welcome.
1. Sue Yoo
If you ever find yourself needing a lawyer, and you also love stifling laughter, you can totally find Sue Yoo on LinkedIn, and hire her. The world is a cruel place though and, very sadly, Sue Yoo was happily married over two years ago, because you know what, life’s not that awesome.
- In: Top 10 List
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